Scary Smoking Burglar Worms......It gives me chills.

Ive always been one of those annoying people that says "if ONE more crappy thing happens I'm gonna.....*insert nasty thing I would do here*...". Apparently that one more thing never happens, because I never had to *re-insert nasty thing I would do here*. Either that or I am just totally full of shit. More than likely it's the latter...

But this seems like one of those times where I'm going to pile on the shit and say, "if one more crappy thing happens I'm gonna.........well......probably bend over and take it, but you can damn well believe that I am going to bitch about it!"

The things that are oh-so-vexing me as of late are three fold, as most bad things are, aren't they? For the first of my thrice annoyances, we will start with Fire Safe Cigarettes, shall we?

As you may or may not know, 92% of the states in the Unites States have passed laws that require cigarettes to be made with new fire safe paper. They believe this will cut down on deaths and injuries caused by cigarette related fires. The fire safe paper for the cigarettes is made out of two or three bands of less-porous paper glued together with ethylene vinyl acetate copolymer emulsion based adhesive.....which is essentially; CARPET GLUE.. Good times. *what this is supposed to achieve is a paper that will cease to burn if not manipulated; ie, if you stop taking puffs off the cigarette the fire will go out. Now instead, while smoking the chunk of tobacco that is actually on fire will occasionally fall out of the paper.........HOW IS THIS ANY BETTER???

Now lets skip through all the crap where I defend a person's right to smoke (as long as it is done in respect to other's) and we also skip past the part where I say quitting is the only way out alive and all that other crap.... blah, blah, blah.... now we are back to the main point. The crap they are putting in the cigarettes to make them fire safe, is actually three times more dangerous than the cigarette itself! I spent close to four hours clutching my chest in horror as I scanned through website after endless website containing articles on this subject.

The horrible side effects from smoking the cigarettes with the new paper.......I HAD. All the while blaming each and every one on something else. Pets. Allergies. Stress. So on, and so on. Can anyone say "selective genocide". I wont go into my thoughts and feelings on THAT, we would be here all day....

Anyhoo. The other vex I am having is this new found fear I am having about my safety and the safety of all my worldly possessions. At the beginning of this week my neighbor left her apartment for roughly two hours. When she came back, her door was pried open and her apartment had been robbed. This was during the day. While I was home. My door less than 15 feet from hers! Several other neighbors home as well. What the hell??? Someone out there has balls....great big theft-lovin' balls. So now, not only am I afraid that someone is going to break in at any moment, day or night, I'm also afraid to leave my apartment in fear of coming home to find nothing but a wide-eyed traumatized cat. Being that I live in an apartment I cannot modify things in any way, like extra locks or an alarm system. I just have to hope like hell that the the constant bag of cat crap by the door, forever waiting to be tossed in the dumpster, and the wreath that is always three holidays behind will detour anyone from breaking in. "Nah, skip that one. I doubt those nasty slobs have anything worth taking anyway.." Yeah, that's right buddy......just keep on movin'..... I hear 3B has a new flat screen..

And last, but certainly not least: My cat now has worms...... How does an indoor cat who is absolutely terrified of even the open door contract worms, you say? I have no damn clue! but he's got 'em. Apparently its a pretty simple remedy, it just takes a matter of days for the meds to have a full effect. Meanwhile Ive got a mobile worm dispenser walking around the apartment, with worms shawshanking their way out of his anus and onto anything in sight. Do you know how hard it is to keep a cat off of the furniture?? Pretty damn hard. There is only so many times I can smack him before he just doesn't care anymore... So out of the 16-18 hours that I am awake I have been vacuuming for about 15 of those. On the upside, the market for Dirt Devil's replacement vacuum cleaner bags is going to sky rocket...

Im Gonna Blame Alice Cooper....

Throughout the span of my life up to this point, I have been blessed (surprisingly) with a very small amount of horrifyingly embarrassing moments. Now, don't get me wrong, I have had many many small ones. But very rarely have I had the huge "I wish a sniper would come pick me off right now, just so I no longer have to be aware of this moment in time" kind of moment. In fact I cant even properly recall the last time I had one of those moments. Or my brain has sympathetically blacked it out, knowing I cant afford therapy.

Well the universe stepped in and made up for lost time...

I am the proud owner of what my friends like to refer to as "emo cat". A large majority of the time he carries the look of anger or brooding on his face. Even when he is very clearly enjoying something; being scratched, eating, napping... he looks completely unimpressed and emotionally detached from the situation. This, and when he is spoken to he either has the look of boredom, disgust, or literally like he is on the threshold of rolling his eyes. Now I am fully aware that cats do not posses the ability to roll their eyes. Unless of course they are being choked..... Not that I'm speaking from experience.....haha!......ha!.......ha. Ahem..... anyway.

But due to his reaction to most things, I find amusement in trying to annoy the ever-loving crap out of him. This is what happens to people when they become shut-ins!

When "emo cat" is hungry, he makes the most god-awful sound he can accomplish, and will physically attempt to trip me every opportunity he gets. And today as I am walking down the hall of my apartment toward my bedroom, he starts doing just that. So, being the total dork that I am, started harassing him by singing "Feed My Frankenstein" by Alice Cooper, while poking him repeatedly in the side... Except I have replaced the word "Frankenstein" with "kitty-kitty"......

*sigh*..............

REALLY stupid, I know... Don't judge me, I was alone.....or so I thought.

As I have mentioned in the past, I live right along side the highway. Being that my windows face said highway, it drowns out a lot of the noise in the apartment. Much like low white noise, or having the washer running constantly. So when I am in the back of the apartment, ie my bedroom, I cant hear things that are going on in the living room. "Things" in this case would be the maintenance men knocking on my door....

One of the many things I dislike about apartment living, is that your space is never really "your space". And management likes to give you frequent reminders of that fact by entering your apartment at any given time. On many occasion they have knocked on the door, waited approximately 0.6 seconds before ramming in their key and thrusting the door open. And each time this occurs they open the door to find me, mere feet away reaching for the knob, with a look on my face that says, "you are SO incredibly fortunate that I do not have a firearm in my hand right at this moment-and-next time how 'bout giving me two damn seconds to open the door FOR YOU....mkay?"...

So today not being any different from the others, they apparently knocked and when no response was given by someone with vampire-like speed, they let themselves in. However, unlike all the other occasions, today they walk in to me off in the distance singing my own version of an Alice Cooper song. As if this was not bad enough, I was dressed in old sweat pants, an old tank top with bleach stains, (it was laundry day) and slippers. And to make things even more horrible, I was singing for the benefit of the cat.....and making it obvious that the cat was my intended audience...

By the time I realized that I was not alone it was waaaaaaay too late. WAY too late.... They had already heard enough, and then very shortly thereafter, they saw enough.... I wanted to die, right then and there. All the places I have never been, all the things I have yet to do, I no longer gave a shit. Dead....pencil to the temple....lamp cord around the neck......I didn't care, whatever would have killed me fastest. Ironically, the cat looked almost as mortified as I was.

I think its time to move..

"sigh....."

My Life is FILLED With Intelligent Moments.....sometimes.

Okay, so...yeah, Ive been gone a while. I'd like to say it was for some noble reason, like saving ducks and baby otters from oil spills, or feeding the hungry......... But, I was reading. And apparently all those doctors from my childhood who claimed I had A.D.D* can suck it, because I got so caught up reading that I kind of forgot about everything else. (*I should mention that I believe that attention deficit disorder is something doctors made up as something to label a child who has an over-active imagination, lots of energy, and are slower than the norm to learn some things. And by giving the child this label, it then releases parents, teachers, and other adults from the responsibility of having to put forth some effort to help, or frees them from being blamed for pre-mentioned behavior and learning ailment.)

Ho-boy! That was a bit on the bitchy side, eh? Sorry 'bout that!

Any-hoo.... So as I was saying... I wasn't just reading this whole time, that would just be sad and pathetic.. (and something I would be totally capable of) No, I did find other things to eat up my writing time. Some friends and I went to go see Sherlock Holmes, which was completely amazing I might add! The only part that was not completely amazing, however, was roughly 10 minutes from the end of the film the fire alarm goes off, the lights come on, and we are instructed via pre-recorded message on the loud speaker, that we are to "please evacuate the building in a safe yet timely manner"... So we all trudge out the emergency exit, at 11:30 at night. The ground c-o-v-e-r-e-d in ice. Outdoor temperature resting at around 20 below freezing. And we are in the theatre in the BACK of the building. Fun.

Then to prove how smart the general population is, they all proceed to make their way around the building (which at this time we have no idea if the building is actually on fire), walk right up to the front entrance, and go RIGHT BACK INSIDE...smart. And being that we didn't want to be the ONLY ones that have the guts to show our intelligence, we go back in the building as well. After a few minutes, we were informed that it was in fact a false alarm, we were allowed to go back into the theatre and our movie would resume shortly.
So other than that it was great. Probably not my smartest moment, but, come on! Sherlock Holmes........Robert Downey Jr......... Jude Law......need I say more?