Training Future Strippers, One Little Girl At A Time...

As my thirty-cough-cough birthday swiftly approaches, I can't help but reflect on the ironies of life. For one, when I was younger I thought adults were all just a tad on the brink of a mental disorder. Now that I am one, I don't think that anymore, I KNOW it.. Second, I could never understand the drama in getting older. I always thought I would welcome it with open arms, embrace each new year, each new age, each new step in my life. Now I find myself batting at it with a broom, trying to shoo it away, like a stray cat covered with mange and scabs, circling my legs and trying to find the perfect moment to shoot in through the open door... And I'm not even middle aged yet....I can't wait to see what that crisis is like...

One of the things that slaps me in the face, reminding me of my age, is the frequency I find things intended for children to be grossly inappropriate. A few weeks back I was shopping with a friend in the toy section at Wal-Mart. We found ourselves in the barbie section. (god only knows why..) At first glance we were visually taken over by bright pink boxes, calling out to unsuspecting little girls. Screaming at them to pick them up and throw fits in attempt to be able to take them home. After the first initial shock of the nauseating 80's hot electric pink shade, I start to notice the actual themes of said Barbies.

Now, I am aware that it is common practice for the Barbie manufactures to adopt a license theme, like movies or celebrities. But it seems like things have changed horribly since I was little. One model they offer is from the James Bond movies. Makes sense, right? They are beautiful, strong women who don't take shit from anyone..... But have these people even SEEN the movies?!?!? Here is one of the James Bond characters they are offering:


If you can't see the tiny text in the bottom left of the box, this little beauty is "Pussy Galore". PUSSY GALORE. Shall I translate the innuendo of her name for you? An abundance of the female sex organ. Abundance..... Yeah... That says "come and play with me kids, I'll show Ken what he's been missing." I just can't see purchasing this doll in good conscience for my daughter.

Me: "Look honey, I got you Pussy Galore to add to your Barbie collection!"
Daughter: "YAY! Pussy Galore! Pussy Galore"

Yeah....Not gonna happen.Then, of course I had to come home a do a little online research. And found this:No commentary necessary for this one, really. Because we all know how that one turned out...

Yes, that is in fact a Christina Agulera doll..

Then after close to an hour of seeing scantily clad celebrity after drunken celebrity, my gag reflex was being whole heartedly challenged, so I decided to switch gears and just look for normal everyday Barbies that just had messed up themes all on their own.......and found these:

Um......wow.... I'm pretty sure I have had nightmares like this...

And this one isn't so much disturbing, as just confusing.... The Barbie is picking up dog excrement with a pooper-scooper....which is the exact same substance in the dog bowl, and in the dog's mouth. I'm pretty sure that feeding your dog his own bile is not recommended by most vets... Just sayin. Is this promoting proper pet care? I don't think so.

"Sparky!! Did you poo on the floor again?!?!? Well guess what you get for dinner! BAD dog!!"

So shorty after, I had to put the Barbie theme to rest, because it was starting to become quite depressing. Things were not this way when I was little! It made me start to long for a simpler time. Which in turn made me remember hearing the same exact phrase muttered from my mother's lips, and my grandmother's lips...... So I quickly stopped.

And then I recalled the nightmare of the last few Halloween's, trying to find an appropriate costume for my daughter.

For the last couple of years I've tried to be creative while coming up with a costume for my daughter. While was growing up it never seemed to be a problem for me. Being that my mom was a seamstress, all I had to do was give her ample notice and she could whip me up something cool. After years of poodle skirts, zombie-esque shrouds, and many more, my "dressing up" days came to a pause. But times they are a changing.
After exhausting the princess, ballerina and more things of the like, I decided to ask my daughter for her input as to the costume she wanted to don for the festivities. I should state for the record that I never had this issue with my son, he always just wanted to be something dead and scary.. But girls are a whole different ball of wax.

My daughter decided (with the help of me and a family friend) that she wanted to be Hermione (from Harry Potter, for those of you were aren't down with the Potter speak). We took a trip to the nearest costume store to see what we could find.

I was horrified.After a good ten minutes of diligently searching through endless racks and isles, we found the "Harry" but not the "Hermione". Which actually the only difference was the absence of a skirt, replaced with a pair of pants. After asking the store clerk if he could lead us in the right direction, he pointed out a woman's costume that he said would be a good replacement.........

Which was not.This costume is what a woman would wear if she were staring in the porn version of Harry Potter. (which I am told exists) Why he thought I felt this would be appropriate for my eight year old daughter, I have no idea. We were faced with costume after costume of the sluttiest children's costumes I had ever seen. Things like this:

I found many more pictures, but I can't muster the stomach to post them....because they get much worse.... And to find these I typed in "sexy children's costumes". No shit.

Maybe to start saving some time, we could just jump right into installing a pole into our daughter's room and give them an endless supply of body glitter and cheap perfume..

"Put that book down, honey. I bought you Carmen Electra's stripper aerobics video instead. And you don't need college! There is nothing wrong with paying your rent in slightly sweaty singles! It all spends the same. You're welcome."