So, contrary to popular belief (and many many hours of trying to will it so) I have not fallen into a portal to another dimension. One where all the animals talk and everyone breaks out into song at any given moment. No...no... Ive just been here completely absorbed in reading. That and my sleep has been horribly thrown off, so I have been prone to massive mood swings, having my emotions go from one end of the shining "woman-spectrum" to the other... I felt that posting a blog that went from: "I had the best bagel today, I love you all!" to: why does my cat often look at me like I'm just not good enough?!?!" then finally to: "I am not in existence to impress everyone, why wont people just leave me alone and let me read?!?!?!", was not the best way to entertain readers. That is also not the best way to stay out of a state hospital.....so staying quiet was really best on all levels, really.
But, with the help of some pretty great last couple of days, and the fact that The Boyfriend finally made it back home after a two week business trip, I feel tons better. I've taken the boards off the windows, changed out of my fuzzy sheep pajama pants, and have stopped talking about myself in the third person. Heather is back on track! .....damn it!!
I had a startling realization today. It was one of those metaphorical light bulbs that goes off in your head, but once it comes on it turns out to be way too bright and cant be switched back off again....
My friend and I had decided to go shopping and run some errands. We stopped by our Mecca: Whole Foods, for some tea and vitamins. Then our other source of sheer elation: Barnes and Noble. And then the place that makes us constantly wonder why in the hell we keep going there, and also wonder why a startling percentage of the population has never heard of birth control or soap: Wal-Mart.
While walking through the store, picking out random groceries, my friend and I are quite enjoying ourselves. Talking about nothing in particular, joking around, laughing, and just simply enjoying being out of the house on such a nice day. From one completely obscure inside joke to the next, the laughing and joking reached a level that I'm quite sure others in the immediate vicinity could hear, but would not be disturbed by. Or was it?
That's when it hit me. Are we in the "annoying" category of the general population? In a time in our lives when we have reached that age where teenagers think we are old, and the middle-aged still views us as "kids", we have totally and completely encased ourselves in that warm shroud of confidence, welcomed self realization, and a general satisfaction of the direction (or lack thereof) that our lives have taken thus far.
I started thinking: How long has it been since someone new has joined our "group"? Do we even want that to happen? Would anyone else even want to? Not that these things matter, or should matter.... But at this point in my life I have realized that I have surrounded myself with the base, foundation, and building blocks of my being. I have the best friends that I have ever had, and probably (and hopefully) ever will. My kids are smart, happy, and healthy, and even though I hope to accomplish something great within this next decade of my life, I am satisfied with the step of the "ladder of life" that I have paused on.
But again, I ask myself: "is the reason for all that because I am one of those people that I oh-so-not long ago found to be really agitating? I make (somewhat) tasteful jokes in public, not caring who overhears. I thrust myself into a persona that is purposefully annoying, for the humor of it all. But the one answer to the question that really bothers me is: I don't care! Is that wrong entirely? Or is this what self confidence really feels like.....? (Being one of those that grew up never really feeling the definition of the word "self confidence", I find the tinge of guilt for strangers around me questionable)
After having this somewhat out of body realization, I quickly dismissed all hindering thoughts, and went right back to being annoying. Because after all, life is short, we should try to enjoy it while we can.
And once back to being myself, my friend and I finished up our afternoon quietly making fun of a woman who was wearing what looked like her own version of a pirate outfit. Black, rather tight pants, black knee-high leather boots, and a white shirt. Topping off this ensemble was a red sash, tied just enough above the waist for it to look odd. Or like she was going to fire some cannons and hoist the main sail......
Apparently at the age of 30, having self-realization-based ideas of betterment doesn't last very long. Either that or my attention span is too short to maintain a want for personal growth. Either way, I'm okay with it.
The Little Cat That Could
5 weeks ago